Randomness thread about random shit I find online...

So, like I promised, this is the thread where Im gunna post a bunch of random funny shit. Please dont pollute it with retarded shit that YOU may find.

Ill start it off like this. This stuffs from a site called http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ . Hope you enjoy.

(202): it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.

(913): omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand

(607): so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.

(949): Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.

(253): Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.


(201): Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.

(434): So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970


(240): Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.

(618): how was the sex?
(1-618): he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
(618): well, there's that.

and heres a couple from the Bay Area....

(650): i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
(408): Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland..

(408): carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
(415): be there in 3 mins

(202): first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
(408): we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.

(480): I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
(408): oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no